Mother Goose

15–21 depending on doubling (7M, 6F, 8F/M*) plus chorus

Main parts

MOTHER GOOSE, the poor but warm-hearted heroine and beauty parlour proprietor, dame, large part (M)

Silly BILLY, her daft son, comic, large part (M)

COLIN, her slightly less daft son, principal boy, large part (F/M)

JILL, the squire’s daughter and Colin’s girlfriend, principal girl, medium part (F)

PRISCILLA the goose, large part (F/M – non-speaking skin part)

SQUIRE Tightwad, a stingy, greedy landowner, large part (M)

The DEMON of Discontent, the baddie, medium part (M)

GRABBEM, SMASHEM and RUN, foolish bailiffs who work for the squire, medium parts (3 x M/F)

Fairy SUNSHINE, medium part (F)

Fairy SNOWFLAKE, medium part (F)

Fairy TREVOR, medium part (M)

Character note: the gag with Fairy Trevor is that he’s a stagehand who’s been drafted in at the last minute to fill in for Fairy Raindrop

Supporting parts

FAIRY QUEEN, small part (F)

LORD GANDER of the Goose Dimension, small part (M)

“RUDDY” NORA, a villager with a red face, small part (F/M)

CORA, a villager, small part (F)

ROSE, a villager, small part (F)

A BUTLER, Jeeves, small part (M)

GHOST, non-speaking small part (F/M)

A 50P, small part (F/M)

Chorus parts

VILLAGERS
TRADERS
DEMON MINIONS
FAIRY ATTENDANTS

The script includes the opportunity for small speaking roles for some chorus members.

*Despite the gender suggestions given, it would be possible to adapt some parts to the actors available. For example, I have staged this pantomime with the comic role of Silly Billy as a “breeches part” and a female Demon, while the role of the Fairy Queen was played by a man in the style of a drag queen.

JILL: Where’s my Colin, Billy? I’ve been missing him.

BILLY: Oh, he’s around here somewhere.

Enter COLIN

COLIN: You called, my little lotus flower?

JILL: (Soppily) Hiya Colin.

COLIN: (Even more soppily) Hiya Jill.

JILL: I missed you.

COLIN: I missed you more.

They clinch

SQUIRE: (To AUDIENCE) I might just be sick. (To BILLY) Goose, you good-for-nothing young layabout. Where’s my rent then?

BILLY: Er, our mum’s bringing it. She’s just gone to the optician’s.

JILL: Oh! You’ll never guess who I bumped into at the optician’s the other day.

BILLY: Who?

JILL: Everybody!

COLIN: How’s your pussy cat, Jill?

JILL: Well, she gave me a nasty turn this morning. She swallowed a ball of yarn.

COLIN: Oh no! Was she all right?

JILL: No, she had mittens.

COLIN: What about your new dog?

JILL: You mean Rolex? (To AUDIENCE) Yes, that’s right. He’s our watch dog. (To COLIN) I caught him practising a magic trick earlier.

COLIN: Really?

JILL: Yes. It turns out he’s a labracadabrador.

COLIN: Someone’s opened their Christmas crackers early. Here, did you get the last love letter I sent you?

JILL: No, not yet. Our postman has a big round.

COLIN: Oh. (Scratches head) A big round what?

Enter MOTHER GOOSE and PRISCILLA, coming down through the audience

MG: You can relax now, folks. Your leading lady has arrived! Let’s get a bit of class on the stage.

She goes up on stage with PRISCILLA

MG: Good morning, fellow Windy Bottomers.

JILL: Hi Mrs G! Hi Priscilla!

MG: Hello Jill, dear. (She pats her hair flirtatiously) Hello Squire, you handsome old devil.

JILL: How was your optician’s appointment, Mrs G?

MG: Well, of all the things. He told me I’m colour-blind!

JILL: Gosh, I bet that was a shock.

MG: I’ll say. It was a real bolt out of the green.

JILL: (To AUDIENCE) I’ve never heard anything cornea.

SQUIRE: Enough of these eye-watering puns! Mother Goose, you have enormous arrears.

MG: Well! The humongous cheek!

BILLY: That’s what he said.

SQUIRE: (Waves rent book) Your rent is in arrears! Have you been sitting on your assets?

MG: Certainly not! My boys and I work very hard, don’t we, lads?

SQUIRE: Come now, where is my money?

MG: Ah. (Pats pockets) I’m afraid I find myself a little light this month, Squire.

SQUIRE: (Snorts) I find that very hard to believe.

MG: It’s difficult, you know. A vulnerable single woman running a business all on her lonesome. People take advantage of me.

SQUIRE: I find that even harder to believe.

MG: (Runs fingers flirtatiously down his arm) Perhaps we might come to some sort of… arrangement?

SQUIRE: Of course we can come to an arrangement. We can arrange for you to pay what you owe me or I can take away your business and evict you from your cottage. Although… (He gives PRISCILLA behind her a calculating look) Nice, plump breast. Tender, juicy rump. She is a fine-looking bird. (MG preens and giggles, thinking he is talking about her) Yes, perhaps I could be persuaded.

MG: (Flirtatiously) Oh, Squire!

SQUIRE: And those big chunky thighs! There’s certainly plenty of meat on the old girl.

MG: Oh, Squi– exsqueeze me?

SQUIRE: My only concern is if I’ve got what it takes to provide the necessary stuffing.

MG: Oh, Squire!

SQUIRE: But I’m sure there’s a plentiful supply of sage and onion back at Tightwad Towers. Yes, Mrs Goose, I might be persuaded to waive what you owe in exchange for this delicious fat fowl of yours.

PRISCILLA honks and ducks down behind MG

MG: Sell Priscilla for your table? Me pride and joy? Me best friend in the whole world? Never!

SQUIRE: Then give me my rent!

MG: All right, I’ll pay up. (She gives BILLY a significant look, and he sidles up to the SQUIRE) Yes, now, I know I have it here somewhere…

Rent-paying routine. BILLY picks the SQUIRE’s pocket and surreptitiously hands a note to MG, who pays it back to the SQUIRE, ad-libbing, while BILLY steals it back again and passes it to her (patting pockets, “I know I’ve got the rest here, just give me a minute” etc…). After third time, the SQUIRE puts the money in his waistcoat pocket and they have to stop.

SQUIRE: Right, that’s 150 gold pieces in notes. Now what about the other thirty you owe?

MG: Ah, yes. Now then, just give me a mo whilst I have a fumble for me wherewithal. (She hoists up her dress and digs up in the leg of her bloomers for her purse while the SQUIRE watches in fascinated horror)

SQUIRE: I don’t suppose you’ve got any money that hasn’t been in your pants?

MG: I’m afraid not. I know me necessary will be nice and safe down there – more’s the pity. Now just hold out your hand while I count it out for you. (She starts counting out coins into his hand) One, two, three – now then, how many brothers and sisters did you say you had?

SQUIRE: Six.

MG: Seven, eight, nine…

JILL: But Granny was one of twelve, wasn’t she, Dad?

MG: Twelve! Thirteen, fourteen, fifteen – just remind me, Squire, what age is your daughter?

SQUIRE: Nineteen.

MG: How old?

SQUIRE: Nineteen, I said.

MG: Oh yes, nineteen. Twenty, twenty-one, twenty-two – how long is it you’ve been in the landlording business now?

SQUIRE: Twenty-seven years.

MG: Twenty-seven! Well well well, how time flies! And that’s twenty-eight, twenty-nine, thirty. There we are, paid up in full.

SQUIRE: Ahhh, excellent. Pleasure doing business with you. (He looks at the small number of coins in his hand) Hang on! I’ve been swindled!

COLIN: (Grimaces to AUDIENCE) Yikes. Rumbled, folks.

SQUIRE: (Pointing) Right, that’s it! I want that rent by tomorrow – or you three and your goose are going to be out on your ears!

PRISCILLA: Honk!

JILL: I think she’s saying she hasn’t got any ears, Dad.

SQUIRE: Beaks. Feathers. Whatever. Just know that whatever it is you have got, you’re going to be out on them. Payment by noon tomorrow and that’s final!

SQUIRE: Where are those blundering blockheads? Grabbem! Smashem! Run! Come here.

Enter BAILIFFS

SMASHEM: We got the rest of your rent, boss.

SQUIRE: Well, where is it?

GRABBEM: Here you go. (He rummages in his pockets) We got 27p, a raffle ticket from [local event] 2014, a voucher for 12p off when you buy twenty-four tins of beans at [local shop], and two tickets to last week’s [local football team] match.

SQUIRE: (Hitting him round the head) You dithering dingbat! You’ve failed again. Can’t you three get anything right?

BAILIFFS: Sorry, boss.

RUN: Here, boss. What you should get is one of them gooses that lays golden eggs.

SMASHEM: It’s geeses, moron.

RUN: Geeses, gooses, schmeeses, schmooses, whatever.

GRABBEM: Yeah, I heard that old boiler at the beauty parlour’s got herself one and now she’s rolling in it.

SQUIRE: Boys, you read my mind. (Puts his arms around their shoulders) Now I want you to do a little job for me – one so simple even you three blithering boobies shouldn’t be able to mess it up.

RUN: What is it, boss?

SQUIRE: (Hands him a large sack labelled “SWAG”) I want you to sneak into Mother Goose’s Beauty Parlour when the old lady and her idiot sons are out of the way and kidnap that feathered horror Priscilla. And don’t dare show your faces back at Tightwad Towers until that sack is full.

SMASHEM: You want us to kidnap the goose?

SQUIRE: Got it in one, my friend.

GRABBEM: Nice one, boss. Then you’ll be even more loaded than what you are now. I bet them golden eggs is worth their weight in gold, ain’t they?

SQUIRE: That, my dear Grabbem, is exactly why I don’t intend to keep the goose. I intend to eat the goose.

RUN: (Scratching head) What for? If I had a geese what laid eggs made of gold, I’d keep it and get rich.

SQUIRE: That’s exactly my point. Have you never heard of the Golden Rule?

RUN: Yes. No. Eh?

SQUIRE: The Golden Rule, my dear Run, is that whoever has the gold makes the rules. That goose only has to fall into the wrong hands and in mere days, whoever has her would find themselves wealthier and more powerful than even me. I can’t have that. The only safe place for that golden goose is in my pot.

GRABBEM: (Salutes) We won’t let you down, boss.

SQUIRE: Be sure that you don’t. Remember: I don’t want to see you again until you have that bird.

Exit SQUIRE

SMASHEM: Here, Grabbem. What would you buy if you had a giant golden egg?

GRABBEM: A bigger eggcup.

SMASHEM: What about you, Run?

RUN: I’d buy the stuff to bake a lovely cake for me dear old ma.

SMASHEM: Aww, you big softie. What would you put in it?

RUN: Eggs, flour, milk, cream… oh, and a file. She’ll be upset if I forget that.

GRABBEM: Banged up again, is she?

RUN: It weren’t her fault. She was framed.

GRABBEM: Why, what happened?

RUN: She was robbing the art gallery when one of the paintings fell on her head.

SMASHEM: My old man got pulled in for questioning by the cops last week. They accused him of stealing a cheese toastie.

GRABBEM: No! Was it bad?

SMASHEM: Yeah, they really grilled him.

RUN: Is he still working at the golf course?

SMASHEM: No, he got a new job at a bowling alley. 

RUN: Ten pin?

SMASHEM: No, permanent.

GRABBEM: My dad used to work for a company that made clown shoes. No small feat.

RUN: Tell you what, we were so poor in our house growing up. If I hadn’t been a boy I’d have had nothing to play with.

GRABBEM: Well we were so poor, we couldn’t get rid of the rats in our house because they were paying half the rent.

SMASHEM: We were so poor, my ma and dad couldn’t even get me a yo-yo for Christmas. All they could afford was a yo. 

RUN: Right. Well we were so poor, our ma used to send us running after the bin lorry with a shopping list.

GRABBEM: We did have central heating when I was a kid though. It were a candle in the middle of the room.

SMASHEM: Yeah, same at our house. And on real special occasions our dad’d light it an’ all.

GRABBEM: And you trying telling the young people today that.

SMASHEM: They won’t believe you.

RUN: So do you reckon we can kidnap this geese then?

SMASHEM: Course we can. Coz we’re tough guys.

GRABBEM: Yeah! Tough guys! That’s us.

SONG 5: BAILIFFS