Beauty and the Beast

CHARACTERS

12–19 depending on doubling (5F, 6M, 8F/M*) plus chorus

Main parts

BELLE, the beautiful, bookish heroine, principal girl, large part (F)

Prince CLAUDE/the BEAST, the brooding hero, principal boy, large part (M/F). Could be split into two for pre- and post-transformation

Madame BABS de Baguette, village schoolteacher, the dame, large part (M)

JACQUES de Baguette, her daft son, the comic, large part (M)

Monsieur CROQUE, Belle’s father, a temperamental chef, medium part. He has a huge moustache and chef’s hat, is very physically expressive and speaks with a hammy French accent (M)

BOLLY and CRISTAL, Belle’s champagne-glugging sisters, large parts (2 x F)

Hooray HENRI and Count PIERRE de la Poshe, a pair of tittering upper-class twits, suitors for Belle, large parts (2 x M)

Fairy SNUFF, a Yorkshire fairy, medium part (F)

MALEVOLENT, an evil sorceress (or sorcerer), medium part (F/M)

Supporting parts

CRIMSWORTH, the prince’s highly sarcastic butler, small part (M)

CUTHBERT, a swotty schoolchild, small part (M/F)

MORGAN, a naughty schoolchild, small part (M/F)

JACKIE, a naughty schoolchild, small part (M/F)

JOHNNIE, a naughty schoolchild, small part (M/F)

GLEN, a naughty schoolchild, small part (M/F)

A Blue NUN, small part (F)

A skeletal T-REX, non-speaking “ghost” small part (F/M)

Chorus parts

VILLAGERS
SERVANTS
SCHOOLCHILDREN

The script includes the opportunity for small speaking roles for some chorus members.

*Despite the gender suggestions given, it would be possible to adapt some parts to the actors available.

BELLE: How do you keep your good looks, Babs?

BABS: Ah, it’s all down to my secret beauty treatment. I got the idea from Cleopatra. You see, I like to bathe in milk.

BELLE: Pasteurised?

BABS: No, just up to my chest.

BELLE: Does it work?

BABS: Well it was all right until the day I fell asleep in the Jacuzzi. I woke up in a vat of margarine.

BELLE: I have to go. Papa sent me out to get more wine for the restaurant. It’s strange how quickly we seem to run out.

BABS: Mmm. Left those two sisters of yours in charge of it, did he?

BELLE: That’s right. Cristal and Bolly are sommeliers.

BABS: Smellier? Yes, I’ve noticed that new fragrance your Bolly’s been dabbing behind her ears. I do wish she wouldn’t put on her Eau de Toilette before flushing.

BELLE: No, I said they’re sommeliers. That means it’s their job to taste the wine. My sisters have excellent palates.

BABS: Yes, I spotted Cristal having a lie down on one at the tip yesterday.

BELLE: You are silly. Goodbye, Babs.

BELLE starts reading as she exits

BABS: She’s a sweet girl, that Belle, but those champers-swigging sisters of hers are a right pain in the chocolat. Everyone in town loves Belle though. (She sniffs and dabs her eyes) I wish they loved me. But nobody does, you know – not when you’re the headmistress of a school. (Aww) It’s sadder than that. (AWWW) Nobody loves us teachers. They think we’re all mean and rotten. They call you horrible names behind your back, like Mrs Smellybottom and Madam Trumpyknickers. As for men, they just don’t want to know. And me a lonely widow – a single mum to a useless idiot son!

Enter JACQUES, holding a plant

JACQUES: Hiya Mum! What’s going on?

BABS: Hello, our Jacques. I was just telling this lot how proud I am of my darling boy.

JACQUES: Oh. Heyup. (He waves to audience) You lot look fun. I hope you’ll be my mates. Will you? (Yes!) Brilliant!

BABS: What’s that you’ve got, son?

JACQUES: It’s my plant. (He puts it down) I’m going to give it to Belle once it gets big. Then she might go out with me.

BABS: Size isn’t everything, young Jacques, as I used to tell your father – more’s the pity. You know, you need to stop running after that girl. You haven’t got a chance with her.

JACQUES: Oh, right. Just because she’s beautiful, intelligent, witty, fragrant, sexy, lovely, sweet, kind and wonderful, and I’m a lazy workshy prat with no table manners?

BABS: To put it bluntly – yes.

JACQUES: Well thanks very much, Mother. It’s all right, I won’t take it too hard. (He bursts into tears)

BABS: (Putting arm around him) Now, don’t get like that. You just need to learn how to charm a lady, that’s all.

JACQUES: It’s not my fault I’m no good with girls. The doctor told me I’ve got an inferiority complex. Only, it’s not a very good one.

BABS: Listen, our Jacques, all you really need to get yourself a girlfriend is a good chat-up line.

JACQUES: Like what?

BABS: Well, for example you could say to her, “Are you French? Because Eiffel for you.” (She winks at a man in the audience) Well hello there, my little French fancy. I’ll be back to see you later.

JACQUES: But we’re all French, Mum.

BABS: That’s neither here nor there. Now you have a go. Look, practise on this lady here. What’s your name, love?

AUDIENCE MEMBER: Sarah (or whatever).

BABS: All right, Sarah, stand up. Today’s your lucky day.

JACQUES: Or the day you wished you’d sat further back.

BABS: (Nudging JACQUES) Well go on then, charm her.

JACQUES: Right. How did that line start?

BABS: Are you French?

JACQUES: Oh yeah. (JACQUES tries to smoulder) Hey there. Are you French? Because you stink of onions.

BABS: No, no, no, that’s not it. Look, try this. “Am I in a gallery? Because you’re a work of art.”

JACQUES: All right, I’ll give it a go. (He does the smouldering look) Am I in a gallery? Because you’re no oil painting.

BABS: Oh dear, you’re not getting it at all. All right, one last try. How about “Are your parents bakers? Because you’re a cutie pie.”

JACQUES: OK, here goes. Sarah, are your parents bakers? Because…

BABS: Yes?

JACQUES: Because…

BABS: Go on, you can do it!

JACQUES: Because you don’t half look pie-eyed.

BABS: Oh, you are useless. Sarah, love, you can sit down. Round of applause for Sarah, everyone! (Applause)

JACQUES: (Makes gun gesture) Don’t go baking my heart, Sarah.

Enter Monsieur CROQUE, looking flustered

CROQUE: Je m’apelle and la plume de ma tante! Where eez zat girl?

BABS: Who are you looking for, Monsieur Croque?

CROQUE: I ’av sent out Belle to fetch supplies and she ’as still not returned to ’elp her sisters in ze restaurant. Bolly works zo hard she is practically under ze table.

BABS: Mmm, I’ll bet.

CROQUE: I must find Belle before I set out on my journey zis afternoon.

BABS: Where are you going?

CROQUE: I am to travel far, far away to enter my gourmet flambé parfait souffle into Le Grand French Bake-off. (He points to JACQUES’ plant) Why ’as he got that leetle thing?

JACQUES: Oi! Watch it, Poirot. It’s not that leetle – little. It’s cold, that’s all.

CROQUE: What are you doing in town today, Madame?

BABS: I came to pick up a few bits from the market while my little terrors were having their school dinner. Oooh, it was busy. And talk about rough! I’ve been prodded, poked, squeezed and jostled all over. I think I’ll come back tomorrow.

Sound FX: school bell

BABS: That means dinner break’s over. I’m taking 4B for geometry next, for my sins.

JACQUES: Here, Mum. What’s a snake’s favourite subject at school?

BABS: I don’t know, what?

JACQUES: Hisssssstory.

BABS: You are a daft boy. No wonder you’re always bottom of the class. Would you escort me back to school, Monsieur Croque?

CROQUE: Mais oui, Madame.

BABS: Oooh, cheeky! We certainly may. (She takes his arm). Jacques, you get yourself back to school toot sweet or there’ll be trouble.

Enter Fairy SNUFF SR

SNUFF: Heyup there, you lot! Why, I’m right glad to see you
Mams, dads, grandads, nans, and kiddywinks too!
I’m glad you could join me here in Pantoland
We will have a laugh. Eee, it’ll be proper grand!

Fairy Snuff’s my name and me, I love a romance
The one that I’m here for takes place in fair France
Now sit back, relax, take the weight off your feet
While I tell a sad tale of pride and conceit.

Curtains open to reveal prince’s castle interior, with CLAUDE centre stage, hands on hips, grinning and posing

SNUFF: Once upon a time in our magical land
There dwelt a young prince: hot, muscled and tanned
His job was to rule, being royal, or else he
Could’ve been a big hit in the next Made in Chelsea.

Well, you must get the gist. You all know the type, right?
If he popped up on Tinder, you’d totally swipe right
But alas, although handsome, he was selfish and vain
And to be honest, not overly furnished wi’ brain.

CLAUDE: (Giving her a dirty look) Harsh.

SNUFF: But fair. Anyway, where was I? Oh aye.

As the FAIRY says the following lines, MALEVOLENT enters SL in disguise as a hag and acts out the plea for shelter in dumb show with CLAUDE

SNUFF: As he feasted with pals in the dry and the warm
An old woman popped by to get out of the storm
Prince Claude, as you’d guess, was not overly chuffed
And with a sweep of his hand, he bade her get stuffed.

The focus of the scene now shifts to MALEVOLENT and CLAUDE as they begin to speak

MALEVOLENT: Please, your highness, I beg only a glass of warm Ribena and ten minutes to rest my weary limbs.

CLAUDE: Let you sit in my nice clean castle, you filthy baggage? You’re having a giraffe. I don’t know where you’ve been.

MALEVOLENT: Have mercy, sire. The storm rages violently.

CLAUDE: So will I if you don’t hop it. I’m having a disco back there and I don’t want you ruining the vibe and giving everyone nits. Not to mention that frankly, you honk. Go on, whiffy, sling your hook.

MALEVOLENT: I warn you – this is your last chance. Grant me shelter or you’ll be sorry.

CLAUDE: Yeah, OK, boomer. What’re you gonna do, chuck your pension book at me?

MALEVOLENT throws off her cloak and rises up to reveal herself in all her glory

Sound FX: Malevolent’s theme

CLAUDE: Oh. Um. Yikes.

MALEVOLENT: You may well say “yikes”, mortal, for I am no boomer but the sorceress Malevolent. Prepare to meet thy doom!

MALEVOLENT points her sceptre at CLAUDE. CLAUDE backs away, disappearing into the wings to transform

MALEVOLENT: I begged you for kindness and you laughed in my face
Your worship of beauty now brings your disgrace
Let’s see if you’re welcome once more at the feast
When you return to your friends as a hideous beast!

Sounds FX: magical zap

Sound FX: a scream that becomes a roar

SONG 1

MALEVOLENT: Show yourself, prince. Let me see that beautiful face of yours now.

Enter Claude as BEAST. He examines his hairy hands in horror, then sinks to the floor as MALEVOLENT laughs

MALEVOLENT: All your life you have been spoilt, vain and loved only yourself. As punishment you shall be cursed for all eternity, imprisoned within this castle and condemned to live as a drooling, smelly, ugly monster!

BEAST: No! Please!

SNUFF: Ah, now this was where I joined the action.
(She pirouettes to join the scene)
Not so fast please, Malevolent. Hold on there a fraction
The prince may be vain, and believe he’s God’s gift
But to curse him forever – are you really that miffed?

MALEVOLENT: Well, well, well. Fairy Snuff, we meet again. Do you deny that this selfish human deserves to be punished?

SNUFF: I agree his rude manners had cause to offend
But with second chance granted, his ways could soon mend
He can learn to be kind, to repent of his pride,
And discover what matters is the beauty inside.

BEAST: Please, have mercy!

MALEVOLENT: I shall have mercy. The same mercy you showed me – none! Fairy, you know that once cast, my curse cannot be reversed. This arrogant prince shall dwell as a beast for all time!

Sound FX: Malevolent’s theme

MALEVOLENT exits, cackling